Sat 12 Mar 2016
I have bad news. My wife Judy died this morning. She had been living for the past year and a half in Arden Courts in Farmington, the next town over, a facility designed solely for patients with memory impairment issues. She was diagnosed with dementia two years before that, and her condition, while stable for long periods of time, gradually grew worse as time went on.
I met her in Ann Arbor when we were both grad students in mathematics at the University of Michigan. She was born and grew up in New York City, I in a small town in northern Michigan, but somehow our paths in life converged at the right place at the right time. Our desks in the teaching fellows’ office were opposite each other. How lucky was that for two people who were meant for each other?
Our first date was 52 years ago tomorrow, and you would never guess that it was at a hockey match. Michigan was playing Michigan Tech, where I went to undergraduate school, and the final score was 5 to 5. I didn’t really remember the score. I had to look it up online. I have often wondered what she saw in me to say yes when I asked if she’d like to go. She’d never been to a hockey game before in her life. (I don’t remember for sure, but I don’t seem to recall that we ever went to another one.) She must seen something in me that I saw similarly in her. As far as I was concerned, it was love at first sight.
If we never went to another hockey match — it was the end of the season — we did go to movies and other dates together, more and more often that summer of 1964, and as things progressed, we ended up getting married in December later that year.
Eventually we moved to Connecticut, where I started teaching at Central Connecticut State — that was in 1969 — while she found a position the following year at the West Hartford branch of the University of Connecticut.
Two children came along, Sarah, a research librarian who lives in Illinois, and Jonathan, who has been splitting his time as a writer between here and Los Angeles the past few years. He is here with me now.
There is a lot more to the story, of course. Memories of our life together, 52 years’ worth, have been coming back to me all the while she has been ill. We loved each other for a long time, and I will never forget her. My life would not have been complete without her.
March 12th, 2016 at 7:48 pm
My condolences Steve. It sounds like you and Judy were wonderful together.
March 12th, 2016 at 7:57 pm
My thoughts are with you.
March 12th, 2016 at 8:54 pm
Sad news. My sincere condolences.
March 12th, 2016 at 9:04 pm
Please accept my deepest sympathies, Steve.
March 12th, 2016 at 9:21 pm
Keeping you in thoughts and prayers.
March 12th, 2016 at 9:26 pm
My condolences, Steve.
March 12th, 2016 at 10:17 pm
Steve, my sympathies.
March 12th, 2016 at 10:19 pm
My heartfelt condolences to you, my friend.
March 12th, 2016 at 10:30 pm
I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your wife, Steve. Take care of yourself and hold tight to all those memories of Judy.
March 12th, 2016 at 10:57 pm
God bless you, Steve. Linda and I are praying for you.
March 12th, 2016 at 11:13 pm
Sad news. You are in my thoughts and prayers, Steve. Stay strong and cherish the memories.
March 12th, 2016 at 11:37 pm
I’m so sorry, Steve. You and your family are in my thoughts.
March 13th, 2016 at 12:06 am
Steve, I’m very sorry to read this news. Please stay well.
March 13th, 2016 at 12:09 am
I am dreadfully sorry. My heart goes out to you and your family.
March 13th, 2016 at 12:11 am
Steve, I feel for you at this time of your terrible loss. Thank you for taking a few moments to tell as about your wonderful relationship with Judy. May your remembrances of the years of companionship and love provide you with the strength and solace to help get you through this
March 13th, 2016 at 12:41 am
Take care of yourself. There is always a lot to do but even more to think about. The thoughts never leave you, nor should they. For me, it has been like having a conversation with God.
March 13th, 2016 at 1:34 am
How fortunate you were to have found each other. Yours is one of the great love stories. I’m sorry I never met Judy.
March 13th, 2016 at 4:47 am
You have my sincere condolences. It is crushingly painful, but in the end there is only love.
March 13th, 2016 at 7:21 am
Steve, so sorry to hear this. Our sincere condolences to you and the kids. Judy was a lovely person and it’s just too sad it ended this way.
March 13th, 2016 at 1:33 pm
Steve, so, so sorry to hear of Judy’s passing. Sincere condolences, and please, take care of yourself. Her passing leaves a hole in the world.
March 13th, 2016 at 1:42 pm
Thanks, everyone, for the good wishes, including those who emailed me separately. I replied to the latter individually. I hope what I said made sense; although Judy’s passing was not unexpected, you never know how the death of someone so close as she and I were will affect you until it happens.
I had the post itself written several days in advance, ready to use when I needed it. I’m glad it came out as well as I think it did.
The next few days will be busy ones, thank goodness, with some chores scheduled from several weeks ago, such as seeing my accountant on Tuesday to turn in our tax records.
I hope you don’t mind my sharing Judy’s last words to me. She said, “I love you, too.”
March 13th, 2016 at 1:48 pm
Best wishes to you and your family Steve. I am so sorry for your loss.
March 13th, 2016 at 2:06 pm
Steve,
I have gone through this twice and there is nothing anyone can really say except we are with you in thought.
I had feared something like this when you had to be away recently.
I do know much of what you are going through, though it varies for each of us. For now there is much to do and only later will it really start to sink in. Luckily you have Jonathan and I hope other support in friends and family nearby.
I’ve lost my Mother too, so please extend my regrets and good thoughts to Jonathan as well. I know the two of you are close, and it will help. You have lost something precious and a part of you goes with that you can never fully recover.
David
March 13th, 2016 at 2:26 pm
I did not mean to leave Sarah out. Of course, my condolences to her as well. It is harder sometimes for a daughter to lose her mother than it is even for a close son.
All of you take care of yourselves and each other. That’s all that matters right now.
March 13th, 2016 at 3:35 pm
Deepest sympathy, Steve. May Judy’s memory live on in many well loved stories from your life together.
March 13th, 2016 at 5:36 pm
Really sorry to hear that, Steve, but 52 years is a helluva inning and you and Judy seem to have had a wonderful life. My biggest fear is that I will outlive the love of my life (37 years and counting) and I can only imagine how you are feeling. Hang on in there!
March 13th, 2016 at 6:58 pm
So sorry for your loss.
March 14th, 2016 at 7:57 am
More people to thank, including a few who’ve contacted me directly. Thank you all.
March 14th, 2016 at 11:52 am
Steve, very sad news and my sincere condolences. At least you have very happy memories to live with.
March 14th, 2016 at 7:10 pm
I’m very sorry.
March 14th, 2016 at 9:20 pm
Sorry to hear of your loss. My sincere condolences.
March 14th, 2016 at 10:59 pm
You have my deepest sympathies.
March 16th, 2016 at 12:04 pm
Steve,
I’m so sorry to hear this…your heart must be very heavy. May your pain at her passing be leavened by glorious memories. I don’t know if you and Judy are people of faith…I hope so. If I had to say goodbye to my wife of nearly 58 years I don’t know how I could go on without the Lord’s comfort and the knowledge that we would be reunited one day.
March 16th, 2016 at 5:40 pm
My deepest condolences to you and your family on your loss. You are all in my thoughts and prayers. Take care.
March 17th, 2016 at 9:31 am
I’m so sorry. Every writer knows how useless words are at a time like this. All I can think to say is that for five years I’ve worn the moccasins that you are wearing now. If there’s any way I can help you at this awful time, just let me know.
March 17th, 2016 at 1:47 pm
Please let me add my condolences, Steve. I’ve enjoyed working with Jonathan lately, and wish you and your extended family all best wishes during this difficult time.
March 18th, 2016 at 10:03 am
Sorry for your loss, headed for 48 years with my loving wife Kathleen, could not have made it this far without her. God bless,
Edward & Kathy
March 18th, 2016 at 10:27 pm
More people to thank for their kind words, and I do. I appreciate everyone who’s left comments here or emailed me directly. What everyone has both individually and collectively said has been more helpful than you can imagine.
You will also have noticed that I’ve gradually been getting the blog back on its feet again. It has been time. Without this contact with the rest of the world, I might be sitting here staring into space. Judy wouldn’t have wanted that to happen, and I won’t let it.
March 22nd, 2016 at 5:31 pm
Hello Steve –
I’m so sorry about Judy. Thank you so much for calling me this morning (when my old e-mail address wouldn’t work).
I’ve missed her visits to NY & her kindness and sense of humor. She was very lucky to have you in her life as well as a wonderful son, Jonathan. Keep thinking of the good times you shared & stay strong and in touch.
Susan
March 23rd, 2016 at 9:17 am
Susan
That day she spent with you and Jon in Central Park seeing the penguins is one Judy never forgot. She talked about it for a long time.
Steve
March 24th, 2016 at 7:00 am
Hi Steve,
I am so sorry to hear of Judy’s passing, and you have my deepest condolences.
As you know, Judy and I shared an office for thirty years. She was a person of deep integrity, who cared sincerely for her students as individuals. I knew first-hand the time she gave helping a struggling student. Her absence from our faculty has been deeply missed.
With kindest regards,
Bruce
March 24th, 2016 at 8:44 am
Thanks, Bruce. It is good to hear from you. Judy really loved teaching. Besides her regular schedule in the Fall and Spring, she usually taught one course in each of the two Summer terms. When she announced her policy of “no calculators allowed” on the first day of class, some students dropped the course immediately, but those who remained always gave her great feedback at the end of the semester, because she made them think more about what they were doing.
March 25th, 2016 at 4:21 pm
Judy’s “no calculators allowed” rule shows she was an excellent teacher who tried to move her students from pushing buttons on a device to understanding. My brother, who teaches in a Physical Therapy Department, has a “no cell phones” rule so students aren’t distracted from learning.
If there’s anything I can do to help you, please let me know.
March 25th, 2016 at 8:22 pm
Dear Steve, Stan Whittlesey sent your blog on to me and I was so very sad to hear of Judy’s Death.
I will always remember her as such a bright wee thing enjoying the socializing we did in the old days and always being dedicated and interested in her students and in fact in all our families.It is so magical that you had all Those wonderful years together to remember and enjoy each other. I can’t offer to be of any help as I am living 6 months of the year in New Zealand and the rest of the time in Missouri close to my son Gahan and his two girls. My thoughts are certainly with you and my memories of Judy are present at this time . Love to you and your family. Lorana Fallone
March 25th, 2016 at 8:37 pm
George,
Judy was very proud of her reputation as a teacher that did not allow calculators and that her student evaluations were always extremely high. She taught calculus for the most part, and while there is something to be said about having a graphing calculator while using it in practice, I’m an totally unconvinced you need one while you’re still learning the basic ideas.
I guess I’m still an old-fashioned chalk on the blackboard kind of guy myself.
I taught math at all levels, freshmen through grad students, and for several different departments. Toward the end of my teaching career, I was given mostly statistics to teach, and there I did allow calculators. But the students had to show all their work, and I often asked questions on exams that a calculator was no use for.
Such as What hypotheses would you use to answer this question, and what tables would you use?
March 25th, 2016 at 8:42 pm
Lori
It has been a long time since Judy and I last saw you. I remember those parties with the UConn faculty very well, many of them at the Ahlbergs. I’m glad Stan is still in touch with you and was able to send you to my blog. I hope you enjoyed the photos of Judy and I, and thanks for the good wishes.
All my best,
Steve
March 25th, 2016 at 8:47 pm
The last few comments have reminded me of something. Earlier this month, before Judy fell into her final illness, we were walking around the inside of Arden Courts and we met a new couple who had just helped one of their parents move in.
We starting talking to them, and it turns out that the husband of the couple had gone to the school where Judy taught, and we wondered if perhaps he had had Judy as an instructor.
Judy brightened up considerably as we were talking. The conversation obviously brought back some good memories.
March 26th, 2016 at 3:24 pm
Steve, you and Judy touched many lives. Students always remember good teachers so Judy will not be soon forgotten. I wish I had you or Judy for CALCULUS and STATISTICS. My teachers were not as good as you two so I pretty much taught myself.
March 30th, 2016 at 11:06 am
I wish you and your family the best Steve during these difficult times.. This is a very lovely rendition about your life with your wife Judy. Based on your blog you and she had a very long and lovely marriage and loved being together. My condolences to you and your family.
April 1st, 2016 at 11:45 am
Sorry to learn the sad news. Thanks for letting me know. This is being a very sad year. I lost my Mom on 2/21. One thing my parents said in the past is Life Is For The Living. Remember those you have lost and honor them by living your life to the fullest.
April 1st, 2016 at 12:15 pm
I’m so sorry to learn of your loss, Sheila. Those are fine words, though, to keep in mind.